Can We Chill With The Competition?

What’s wrong with people? I mean seriously? Kris Jenner is single handedly causing population explosion, and with a million kids and a billion grandkids to boot, the crazy seems to be overflowing.

It’s not just them, though. It’s the whole planet.

Once upon a happier time, competition meant two little kids battling it out on opposing debate teams. But now? It’s something unhealthy, twisted, heck, it’s evil.

Between making frenzied google searches for things like “how to make someone love you back” and “how to tell if someone’s no longer into you” and “latest trends 2018”, I chanced upon this: nipple injections. Fillers, or whatever the crap. And I’m not kidding people, this is an actual Allure magazine article.

…competing against Kendall Jenner’s nipples. Now I’ve seen everything. Really. 2018 is the year of the bat-shit crazy and it’s here to stay. Sigh. I miss the times when we were all actually happy. Millennials aren’t happy, people. We always want something else. We crave, we crave, we compete unnecessarily and we give ourselves enough aneurysms to keep the rest of the doctors happy.

Between DMs that go something like this

to women treating their boyfriends like pieces of vintage Louis Vuitton luggage, I’m so done. All I want right now, is for me to be able to dump everything and just get away to a cosy little place with no people and no cell phone reception.

Can we please do that? Thanks.

Nipple fillers. God!

Does Money Solve Things?

Isn’t it crazy? The number of times we use “I” in a day? Subconsciously, we’re only constantly thinking of ourselves. Our lives, jobs, waistline, first-world issues like a broken fingernail.

Ever stopped to wonder what was going on with the rest of the world? Heck, ever wondered what was going on with the rest of your neighborhood? I’ve noticed a pattern. People are SO quick to be empathetic when a celebrity falls sick. Or when a celebrity gets slapped behind bars. I’m talking about Salman Khan, of course. He’s killed people and he’s poached blackbucks and he’s managed to get acquitted and now he’s managed to get bail.

Which makes me wonder – is money all that powerful?

At this rate, people would end up buying college degrees and have no knowledge about a thing at all. People would pay off income tax officers and exemptions from paying how much tax they should actually be paying. It’s scary that things like unfair justice can be bought these days. Oh wait, they’re already doing that. I mean, do people not have integrity anymore?

Maybe that’s why there’s a steep decline in actual, solid relationships and a steady incline in the sugar daddy situation. He pays for your crap and makes you Paris Hilton and you get to be the Kim Kardashian to his very much older Ray J. I don’t even know what’s up with me this morning. Maybe this is why I should stop reading the newspaper. It’s making kids believe that money can solve every which problem and that’s why they’re resorting to stupid headless ideas just to make money.

I saw this girl ask if she can sell her body to her ex boyfriend for allowance since her parents don’t give her money. Is this even normal? Or is this prostitution? Can anyone explain? Do people not realize that the more you yearn for, the worse it gets? Other people get jealous, and it leads to more problems than one can ever handle. I don’t think money really solves all problems. It just makes you nastier. But that’s just my opinion. It’s okay to be financially comfortable on your own terms. NOT okay to use it to exploit others.

I’m done with this country. Time to leave. I’ll be back with a nice post tomorrow, I swear. It won’t be so morbid. Have a good day, you guys.

Confessions of a Loner, Again

I’m a loner. I’ve always been. At some point, it started to feel like routine. I mean, even Voldemort has his Death Eaters. So he wasn’t really completely alone; but I don’t even have anyone. Emotionally. I mean, it’s not like I don’t wish for people to come talk to me: it’s just that I’ve gotten used to the whole idea of being on my own so much that I’m okay with being alone and lonely. And I don’t even tell my partner about it.

Not that I haven’t tried – because I have. But you know how it gets, yeah? You don’t want to annoy the other person and you end up bottling things. So what I do instead is come on here and blog and let it out. Therapy is pricey – I can buy some new eyelashes with that money – but blogging is free and I get to get things off my chest, so yes, I like to rant on here.

I pretend that I’m happy. Actually, I’m not. I don’t feel anything anymore. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way: completely empty, neutral, almost lifeless. Going through my daily schedule like a robot in rhythm. But I’ve learned a lot over the past couple of years. No one is going to be there for you. Not even the person you get married to. It’s you that’s always got your back so each time you feel completely alone, you’ve gotta remember that you have your arms to give yourself a hug. I know that’s probably the most morbid thing your heard all day, but I actually do this on a daily basis.

When I was a little girl, I had dreams too.

I wanted to have a fairytale wedding and all the cliches that came with it. A perfect husband who loved me, treated me like a freaking princess and got me whatever I wanted – all I had to do was drop subtle hints. But then life happened and I realized that none of that matters. No one is going to listen to your subtle hints. You’ve to get yourself what you want. It’s almost wrong to depend on someone else. Even once in a while. And forget about being treated like a princess. I’m happy with being treated like a human being. That’s more than just enough. Isn’t it funny how dreams die before you even realize they’re dead?

I’ve gotten really good at giving advice. I hate seeing other people unhappy because I can see myself reflected in them and that breaks my heart.

There were times when I used to be happy that I had people to text me and check on me: but now? I’m so comfort being on my own it scares my mum sometimes. I’m serious, if I had a choice and if cults weren’t creepy, I’d have joined some ashram, picked celibacy and turned into a yogi. I’d even give up lipstick. But I’d be at peace. No cellphone. Maybe I could just go away and try to drown. I’d feel nothing still. Just calm.

Why do I feel this way?

But I’m okay. This is just fiction and I’m okay.

Driving Lessons

Hello. Greetings from my hormonal, pimply self! How’s everyone doing today? I just fell down the stairs, shattered my favorite mug and nearly ended up losing a knee but I’m okay. So I’m stuck at home, with bum knee throbbing away to glory, feeling sad about my favorite mug and wondering what I’m supposed to be doing all day. Besides prepping for two new competitive exams, of course. Which, to be honest, we all know, I’m not going to crack anyway. So…

I thought it would be funny to go ahead and share a series of incidents that led to what we have today – a crappy driver named Sooch.

Let me just go ahead and say, it’s NOT my fault that I’m so bad at driving, okay? I’m sure my instructor is about seventy percent responsible. Twenty goes to the car I learned how to drive in, and the remaining ten? Completely ME. So it was a Maruti Suzuki Alto. Hold on, I’ve got to rephrase – it used to be an Alto, once upon a time. It was so beat up, it was barely recognizable. It belonged to a shady driving school (we have driving schools in India, which are so shady they’ll make you cringe and run for the hills) named Madan Mohan Driving School. How did I get hold of this person? Erm heh heh, contacts. My family’s driver. He was friends with the (we shall call him the MM Guy) person that owned this driving school and that’s how I got enrolled.

The first time I got into the driver’s seat at age 15, was the first time I found out that the poor Alto was in such bad shape, I had to physically lift the door to get it shut. Lift, pull shut. That was the mechanism. It took me three days to get used to that. MM Guy was a patient man who, equipped with his own set of ABC (accelerator, brake, clutch), was pretty sure I was going to get the hang of driving on the fourth day itself. NOT SO MUCH. I ran into a tree. I almost had the car topple over. I nearly broke the windshield. And that made me go whoa I’m a badass teenager. You should have seen MM Guy trying to control the car with his own ABC but uh uh, I was ruling.

Day five was brilliant. He tried to teach me how to get the car in reverse and I literally spun the whole thing around. Not too dramatically but how I wish I could have. I’ve never seen anyone with a sweatier, redder face than MM Guy’s on that fateful day. He would have put all the cherry tomatoes in my salad to shame. If you drive an automatic, you’re lucky because you won’t have to bother with the gear shifts. Me? Not so lucky. I now drive a Chevrolet Beat, which happens to be greener than a leprechaun’s hat, and is pretty nice to me BUT I still have issues.

So this whole driving fiasco went on for a month. I screamed, cried, scared quite a lot of people, bust a lot of tires, played a lot of Avril, ate a lot of fries, and got fat and still didn’t learn the fine art of fine driving.

I think MM Guy would have thrown me out had it not been for his extreme amount of patience. When did I finally get my license, you ask? Age 16, a couple months later. And what happened to my driving skills!? Still freaking questionable.

Was your driving lesson episode a fiasco too? Let me know!

50 Thoughts: SAD Edition

Seasonal Affective Disorder (also called SAD, The Blues, Sadness) is an actual thing, and the scariest part is that it’s idiopathic. You never know how it happens. So I’m sitting on the edge of the treadmill, and typing this on my phone, and I don’t know why I’m sad, SAD, but I am. And here go my morbid thoughts…

1. Loneliness – when you’re in a relationship, specially – is scarier than Veronica on Netflix.

2. I don’t wanna workout anymore.

3. Why do women, some women, think it’s cool to kick a sister down?

4. If I were a movie, I’d be a colossal flop.

5. Why do I get hyperhydrosis when I’m least expecting it?

6. Is everyone happy, or are they just faking it?

7. HOLY SHIT WHEN DID I GET SO OLD?

8. And I don’t even have all my wisdom teeth yet. Is that why I’m so dumb?

9. Vegetarianism is so hard.

10. The things you do for love are very intense and very stupid.

11. Why didn’t I die instead of Stephen Hawking?

12. Ever had that feeling you were gonna explode because you had so much to say, but had to hold it in, because you didn’t want to trouble anyone?

13. I wallow in self-pity almost the whole of the weekend.

14. I have no life. That’s the 💯 truth.

15. Every time my ex said “You’re the best I ever had”, I want to down a shot of tequila. Too bad I don’t drink.

16. There’s a special place in Hell for people that spell “you” as “uh”.

17. Stiletto heels must have come from Satan’s mouth.

18. Am I going insane?

19. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. Sometimes I wish I could just sit here till I dissipate.

20. Music isn’t helping me today.

21. I wish I were carefree.

22. I wish I could forgive myself. The guilt is weighing down on me and I can’t breathe sometimes.

23. I wish I were never born, you know?

24. I don’t want a big wedding. I just want someone to hold me and say they were glad to have me in their life.

25. I’m at that point in my life where I don’t know what I want anymore. That’s why I have been absent. Not that anybody noticed.

26. Why do mosquitoes exist?

27. Does eating rice make anyone else sleepy?

28. Why can’t coffee be lunch?

29. I wish chocolate and sugar had no calories.

30. Breathing into a paper bag helps.

31. The smell of new books is better than anything else.

32. You don’t need blood to be family.

33. 2018 is so morbid.

34. Sometimes when I wake up, I get this feeling that I’m gonna die in a few hours. Why do I feel this way?

35. My therapist says he won’t give me more pills because I gotta be stronger without them.

36. I feel ancient. Again.

37. Why does my body look so weird? Like a potato with four sticks attached. And a gooseberry on top.

38. Are you happy today?

39. I miss being a little girl.

40. Scratch that. Fuck being a little girl, I wanna die now.

41. I hate broken promises.

42. I actually fake being strong. I’m weak as ish.

43. I need carbs.

44. The last thing I ate was a waffle. And it was awful!

45. I miss Bangalore so much it’s like a blow to the head every two seconds. And a knife to my belly.

46. Is blogging dead?

47. I like Wicktoria. She’s going places. For SURE.

48. Taylor Swift is cute with that hair.

49. Anyone else excited for Slenderman?

50. I need to sleep. Sigh.

Happy Hump Day. Wear pink. Go!

The Glossary Of A Healthy Relationship

1. Affection:

So important. The very first emotion you’d ever feel for someone. Without it, you won’t even have a relationship to begin with.

2. Banter:

Friendly chat that lets you open up more. Share some good banter at breakfast, and you’ll have a beautiful relationship.

3. Compromises:

You’ve got to make a few of these to keep your partner around. Unyielding partners never have it easy. You’ve gotta make a few sacrifices, to a certain extent.

4. Dates:

Every healthy relationship should have a date night every week. It keeps the spark alive. In a long distance? No problem, have a FaceTime date if you can’t make it.

5. Effort:

Here’s something no one is ever gonna tell you – every healthy relationship needs work. You can’t just sit around doing nothing and expect good vibes to flow.

6. Flirting:

Doesn’t matter if you’ve been dating for two months or you’ve been married for three decades, it’s always a great idea to keep flirting with your partner. Be outrageous if you have to. Anything goes if the spark is still there – alive and kicking.

7. Guidance:

When your partner loses footing in life, and is going though a tough time, you’ve to be there for them. You’ve to be kind enough to be able to understand their issues, and maybe offer some guidance to help them with whatever is going wrong.

8. Healthy habits:

It’s not just your life anymore, you share it with someone – and you’ve got to take care of yourself. Eat healthy, workout and meditate to calm yourself down.

9. Independence:

You can’t be overly dependent on your partner, be it emotionally or financially. Somewhere down the line, resentment is going to develop and it’ll cause cracks to form in a relationship. No one is designed to be 💯 selfless, anyway.

10. Jest:

Nothing should be taken way too seriously so, you joking around is often needed. Laugh like crazy. Keep that sense of humor handy.

11. Kinky stuff:

A little slicing up is always good. A little bedroom experimenting never hurt anybody. Unless it involves hot wax or syrup, then ooh, ouchie.

12. Love:

That point when affection solidifies into love, you know you’re on the right track. No more explanation needed.

13. Makeovers:

Change your look, buy new makeup, get a new wardrobe. Anything to keep your partner hooked on to you. Ooh ooh.

14. Netflix:

So important. Nothing beats good old Netflix, pizza and the pouring rain outside on a Saturday night when you’re cuddled in bed with your partner, watching your favorite show.

15. Originality:

True, cliches seem to work – but be original when you’re dating. Do something creative and fun on a whim.

16. Promises:

Healthy relationships often end up in happy marriages, so you promise to look out for each other and that’s how you know you’re in a very healthy relationship.

17. Quirkiness:

Regular is boring, so when gift your partner something unique and tailor made, it becomes the cutest thing ever.

18. Roses:

Flowers are so important and an instant mood booster. Send each other flowers, just because.

19. Space:

With all of the above being said, you also gotta respect each other’s personal space. Which means, you don’t check each other’s phones and you don’t stalk them on social media because you love them and trust them enough to not cheat on you.

20. Time:

Space and time go hand in hand, so it’s science basically. The best thing you could ever give someone is your sweet time.

21. Undivided Attention:

…and undivided attention.

22. Vacation:

The best way to get to know someone even better is to take a vacation with them. So much clarity and so much bonding. That’s the best. Random vacays? Even better!!

23. Wishes:

Remembering dates and wishing each other on your respective birthdays and anniversaries and all of that good stuff – oh so amazing.

24. X Factor:

Same as point 13.

25. Yoga:

Sexy downward dog poses – ’nuff said.

26. Zeal:

Being enthusiastic about your partner – be it whatever – is always an added bonus!

Selfish Love

You say you’re only teasing,

Every time you say something like this

You go, “Look at that hair, it’s so funny!”

You say, “”Aw come on, don’t take the piss.”

I’m dumb, and I overlook things,

I’m in love and I let it all slide.

I’m weak and I don’t want to lose you –

But then, I hide what I feel and I cry on the inside.

You have opinions, you criticize

You have the upper hand in my life

But I’m not allowed that luxury at all

I take it all, even though it cuts like a knife.

You fat-shame me, then say you love me

You’re borderline rude, awfully unkind

You take subtle digs at my insecurities

Why is a good man so hard to find?

We never communicate

We never talk about things that I like.

It’s about you all weekend,

Your partying and your motorbike.

I love you fiercely and I love you blind

I will till the day I die

This isn’t me complaining,

I’m just venting because I am done with the lies.

I Am SO DONE…

I’ve been recovering from some sort of a coma.

Why the coma, you ask?

Have a look at this:

This is an actual question, posted by an actual person who’s sexually active and has zero knowledge about the basics. I don’t mean to trash anyone, but questions like this one make me doubt my sanity and they make me think of my whole existence as a joke. I want to take a gun to my head and blow out my brains – I know I’m being over dramatic, but what the hell?

India needs compulsory sex education in schools.

God gave us goodies for a reason. Sex is a natural phenomenon. So why would we still think of it as taboo? I don’t get it. There’s serious lack of education in this department. If people don’t know how things function, and carry on experimenting and don’t know the very basics of it – how on Earth is a country supposed to move forward? You’d think that by 2018, population explosion would’ve stopped for good – but oh no no no no. It’s very much alive and kicking and growing because of this one issue.

I appeal to you, all our pseudo-righteous political leaders, to please start sex education systems in our country. We are dying. Please.

These kids experimenting with sex are really young. They have zero idea about their own bodies. And they don’t appreciate being taught ONLY because people won’t teach them stuff. What this country needs is an attitude adjustment and it needs to be stricter towards education, where needed. If we need to know how planes stay up, we also need to know about other things that stay up.

About time, India, about time.