Unchained Emotions

Don’t post this, don’t say that

Pretend you’re something you’re not

Act cold, act happy when you’re sad

Act excited even when you rot

Don’t be yourself, they said

Be someone else completely

Someone not so messed in the head

I say ok, and I nod my head weakly

Haven’t been happy in months now

But I can’t talk about it

It has to be hidden away somehow

So no one knows about it

Made to feel like a dirty secret

Almost like it were wrong to be me

Like I’m supposed to have no identity

And I’m supposed to be unseen

Alone and secluded for weeks

Abandoned, and forgotten almost

No one asks if you ate or if you’ve healed

I’m struggling to barely stay afloat

This isn’t a cakewalk

Not like I thought it would be

There’s no champion, and no rock

No one seems to let my headspace be

Either you’ve to post grad

Or make progeny

There’s just this or that, really

With no options in between

Sometimes I wonder would things

Have been different if I’d switched rooms

I lie awake and the doorbell rings

Bringing in yet another day of doom.

More Reflections Via A Block Of Text.

It’s been weeks since I’ve actually sat down to write something. Writer’s block is painfully real, you guys.

This would actually be the last month that I get to stay here, at home, before I relocate for good. Home? Wait, what? What even is that? Where even is home? I remember being in med school and feeling more alive than I’d ever felt back when I was living with family. I came from privilege – but with privilege, specially in families like mine, comes a total absence of affection and acceptance. To be elitists was all they strived to be. 

I grew up feeling unwanted and unloved. Feeling. I cannot emphasize on that enough.

My family doesn’t do hugs or cuddles or the occasional pats on the back. None of that. You get harsh critique, judgmental behavior and you get body-shamed right from the start. I remember aunts saying I had a flat head and a monkey face with frog eyes and that I wouldn’t find someone to love. This frog-eye bit is getting too old but they won’t stop. A certain cousin was instrumental in making sure I chose the science stream after the tenth boards. Nobody asked what I wanted – they made every choice for me. Given a chance, I would have taken up humanities and gone on to pursue English lit in college. I’d have actually been someone. Done some good. I’m not complaining, just talking about things I honestly regret. Yes, there’s nothing I can do about it, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I don’t have an outlet, really. My blog is public and I’ve to post safe because I can’t hurt people’s sentiments. Right?

I don’t know when clinical depression seeped into my pores but I remember being fourteen and waking up one morning actually feeling like a loser. So I took a look in the mirror and shut down. I withdrew. Emotionally. So bad, that I never actually let people in again. The walls went up. Sure, I made friends online but I’ve since avoided people in real life. This is also why I haven’t stayed in touch with quite a few people from my family and even a lot of my friends. Also one of the reasons why most of my friends are going to be absent from the civil wedding next month. People feel happy when there’s a wedding in the family. Not my family. Everyone is on edge and testy and snappy and they cannot wait to see me leave, like I’m this cumbersome abscess that needs draining.

This scares me, you know? Marriage. Kids. New beginnings. I’ve grown up around so much negativity I’ve ended up having far too much absorbed by my system. What if I make a terrible Mum? What if they hate me? What if, what if and what if. Too many ifs and too many buts and too much stress. Dude, I’m losing hair on my head. You can see my scalp now. Shiny and gross.

I have to stop worrying. People who grow up in unhappy environments sometimes try and spread happiness to their new families, because they don’t want history repeating, right? Please, God, just please.

Five Habits That Changed My Life

As you get older, you face a bunch of issues, and I’m definitely no different. First came the busted kneecap. Then came the sudden appearance of astigmatism. The lactose intolerance decided it had a vendetta against me. My neck, my back, oh everything cracked. And chiropractors are expensive, and taking a bunch of pills isn’t ideal. That’s when I decided to actually do something about whatever was happening.

There isn’t much that I’ve been doing, really. Just five things, and I did ask people over on my Instagram (via a poll) if they’d be interested in reading about it, and a lot of people happened to say yes. So here goes, a comprehensive list of five things that I’ve been implementing into my daily routine, which actually have gone on to make my life a whole lot easier:

• Restricting social media activity.

Also known as minding your own business, this is an EXCELLENT way to keep your mental health great. I don’t comment on people’s posts even if they’re triggering me. I simply unfollow, or maybe mute things, and I scroll past.

I don’t post about my personal life on the internet and I don’t compare what I’ve got with what someone else’s got. When there’s no room for jealousy, because you’re nipping it in the bud, it actually helps you thrive.

And boy, am I thriving. * knock on wood *

• Logging in my meals.

I use this app called HealthifyMe, and it gives me a daily calorie budget. Before I reach out to grab that bag of blue Lay’s, a little voice in my head goes: those are just empty hundred and sixty six calories, you don’t need them. And I stop immediately because staying within my calorie budget is a fitness thing I’m very much into, and I refuse to not be able to stick to my goals.

• Body language.

I used to slouch, and I’d have put Quasimodo to shame. No offense to Quasimodo because he was born with it, and I kinda gave myself a slouch situation, but okay.

I don’t do that anymore.

Sometimes I’ll walk around the vicinity or even find a wall to stand against and I ensure that my back is ramrod straight. Gone are those days of back pain and my weird posture that made me look zero confident and unimportant. I still don’t look important (YET) but I’m going to get there. Soon. Body language is very important when you’re trying to hold someone’s attention and to make an impact. Unless you’d rather blend into the wall (“Issa me”), this projects confidence and makes you look like you’re someone who’s worth it.

And don’t we all want to be worth it?

• Staying away from the phone.

I barely use my phone anymore. I don’t text much. I don’t scroll through my explore page. I read an actual book, and no, I don’t feel the need to post about it, and I actually enjoy my time away from the screen.

And there’s this weird peace that comes from being able to keep your phone away. Voluntarily. Try that sometime.

• Clean eating and skincare.

I’ve said goodbye to strict keto.

Most of my food is plant based, and there’s no dairy in my diet. This has kind of led to a reduction in the frequency of my acne breakouts. I don’t juice anymore. If I need to eat a fruit, I actually go eat a whole fruit. Bananas are amazing for you. I did a whole post too. So are oranges in the winter. Full of good stuff.

Also, Vitamin C is something I’ve been using religiously in my skincare now. It protects your skin from pollution and such, and following it up with SPF after has made so much difference to my skin in a short span of time – I’m hooked.

Is there a lifestyle change you’ve made that actually is working wonders for you?

Quotable Quotes, So Relevant in 2019

You read a book, and a part of it sticks with you. Sometimes even for ever. Some of these quotes are so beautiful, you want to get them printed on tees and on mugs. And some become the wallpapers that adorn your phone or your laptop. Here are ten of my absolute favorites, starting with a quote from a book I happened to read only yesterday.

• You can’t sit on the fence for ever.

– My Sister The Serial Killer, Oyinkan Braithwaite

• Eleanor was right. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.

– Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell

• Anybody can look at you. It’s quite rare to find someone who sees the same world you see.

– Turtles All The Way Down, John Green

• It’s one thing to fall in love. It’s another to feel someone else fall in love with you, and to feel a responsibility toward that love.

– Every Day, David Levithan

• I’m constantly left to wonder if the people we are online will lever materialize in real life.

– Puddin’, Julie Murphy

• There’s something disturbing about recalling a warm memory and feeling utterly cold.

– Gone Girl, Gillian Flynn

• In my opinion, most marriages are based either on money or on the fear of being alone.

– The Other Woman, Daniel Silva

• Men who want to get married
propose. You don’t need to read the signs. They propose and that’s the sign.

– Wedding Night, Sophie Kinsella

• Rich folks can tolerate almost anything, but not rejection.

– The King of Torts, John Grisham

• What happens when people open their hearts? They get better.

– Norwegian Wood, Haruki Murakami

What are some of your favorite book quotes?

30 Thoughts.

1. This is turning into such a long summer.

2. And it also rains like crazy at times, what a bummer.

3. Raindrops on sunroofs look really cool.

4. I almost slipped while walking today, I’m such a fool.

5. Texting and texting back is so exhausting, I’m tired of people.

6. Also, why are these kids all over Tik Tok, is that even legal?

7. August is almost here, you guys, and I’ve done nothing with my life.

8. Hold that thought – I did cut my hand this morning while using the knife.

9. We don’t give patient people enough credit.

10. Also, people talk way too much crap on Reddit.

11. I’m upset that Indians traveling abroad are in the news for the wrong reasons.

12. There’s a viral video of people stealing things in Bali. It’s almost indecent.

13. Consumerism happens to be the bane of most people’s existence.

14. And I just realized that people only like to talk, they never listen.

15. Space is important. It doesn’t make a person snobbish or rude, in any way.

16. Why do workouts become addictive? I’m so hooked, I can’t miss a day.

17. Eating healthy actually makes you age slower, or maybe it’s a myth, maybe placebo, but I’m feeling it.

18. Have you guys seen Bakhar Nabieva? Her abs are lit.

19. My grandma used to say otherwise, but twitchy eyes are a result of inadequate sleep.

20. Your sanity is yours to keep.

21. It’s crazy how so many Indians can’t make proper tea.

22. Speaking of tea, there are so many variants of it, it’s fascinating.

23. I want to go to Florence, someday soon.

24. It would be cool to be someplace there and see the European moon.

25. Watermelon and vanilla ice cream make an excellent summer drink.

26. Are you guys into Little Mix? Those girls can sing.

27. Too many people are talking about Area 51, I wonder what’s really going on in there?

28. Ooh, ginger juice and castor oil mixed in together into a tonic is so good for your hair.

29. It’s crazy to me that the last time I was on a train, it was actually 2009.

30. Also, my blog is almost five. Can’t believe it’s still alive.