I Cheated and Felt Good

I Cheated and Felt Good

I’m guilty.

I’ve never had these …lapses. Never before. But I managed to slip up this one time.

I was home alone. He wasn’t around. The cat wasn’t around. The dog was with him. Everyone else was on holiday. Everyone but me. And when the cat is away…

The mouse will play. The girl will play. Argh. Ugh. Okay. Deep breath. Got a story to tell here. I’m sure you’re all like:

I’m gonna start from the beginning. I was unhappy. I didn’t like my routine, gym was frustrating the crap out of me and I couldn’t handle it anymore. It began one lazy Friday evening. I usually teach a batch of kids English on the weekends but my class had prior engagements that day, and they didn’t show up. What was a lonely woman to do? I logged in on to one fine app, started scrolling.

My, my.

All of that delicious, airbrushed looking skin. I could almost taste it through the screen. Yum. See, that’s how it started. With “this one little bite that couldn’t possibly hurt, could it?”

The thing with cheating, dear friends, is when you bite, you eventually start to fall. And with the falling comes the drowning. One weekend led to more weekends. One day of scrolling led to more days of scrolling. More days of cheating. You wouldn’t possibly know the satisfaction you get from giving into what you’re craving and before long, it becomes this addiction you can’t shake off.

One step forward, thirty billion steps back. You know it’s wrong, but it feels so good and you can’t stop.

And that’s how I cheated on my Keto. Happy April Fools’ Day, one day in advance.

Okay, PS: Swiggy and Zomato and other Food Delivery apps are really bad for you. Specially when you’re on Keto and you want to eat that box of beautiful, airbrushed looking donuts. Dear me. I think I broke Keto thrice and okay, it felt good but I guess I gotta uninstall all those apps now. I have zero restraint when I don’t have family around. Send help.

Actually Painful Stuff

Actually Painful Stuff

Have you read Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda? Becky Albertalli just casually throws a line in there about how exhausting blogging actually is. That’s the number one thing on our list today: blogging, on the daily, is painful. Painfully hard.

Is there anything harder than that? Yes. Challenges. The 365 day challenge. The gallon-of-water-a-day challenge. The no sugar diet challenge. The list goes on. Now don’t get me wrong – we love lists on this side of the Internet. We do. In fact, my blog seems to be filled with listy posts that people actually managed to read without falling asleep. So yay, go me. My point here, before I digress, is lists are hard to do. Both to make and to stick to. Also, I cannot tell you the number of lists that I have taped to my fridge. It’s more like a noticeboard that’s kind of screaming for help with things left unchecked. Life is mental. Life is batcrap mental. Send help.

You know what else is difficult? Trying to live with Indian parents whose maid just quit on them. Again, don’t get me wrong. My parents are wonderful people. It’s the maid that’s kind of super attached to her new grandkid and didn’t want to be a maid anymore but kind of needed the money – so long story short, she got found out stealing moolah from our wallets and tried to make us look bad and well, um, she quit. Maid culture is rampant in India. Your mum won’t miss you when you’re not around but she’s going to miss the maid. She’s going to be all depressed because she’s the ONLY person who’s working a nine to five job in the circle of other brown mommies, and has to come home and make her own tea. I think this bothers her more than anything else, making her own tea. She detests her own cooking. Go figure. And she won’t like it if you make tea for her because the maid simply does it better. Like holy wow.

Now, as if THAT wasn’t enough, there’s my most painful experience ever – having to wash my makeup brushes every Sunday. It’s a process. You gotta find your brushes first. Make a nice concoction with dishwashing fluid and olive oil, making sure you don’t mess up the ratio. Next, you need to clean the pink Sigma glove you use to swirl your brushes on, so the dirt comes out. And you’ve to do all of that without annoying your mum and her ritualistic Sunday-cooking frenzy. And then you’ve to leave the bushes to dry and put them back in their proper containers so they don’t look messy.

It’s tough being a woman. It is.

*THIS POST HAS BEEN WRITTEN IN JEST. TAKE ALL OF THIS WITH TEN PINCHES OF SALT. IF YOU ARE HYPERTENSIVE, TAKE IT WITH HALF A PINCH OF SALT.

Should You Even Keto?

Should You Even Keto?

Call it the latest trend if you will, but it’s the coolest diet out there for a lot of people. The celebs are doing it. The plebs are doing it. And so is a lot of us in between.

Now, the question is: how safe is this whole thing?

Pretty much like with most new dietary changes, you need to take a few points into consideration before you jump on the bandwagon. Heh heh. I know people that said they weren’t influencers or bloggers but they suddenly started blogging out of the blue. Which means, whatever you don’t wanna do at this point, you will someday for sure. Coming to the safety of Keto – it’s safe. BUT – and there’s a big but – you need to get your vitals tested, and you need to talk to your doctor before you proceed.

I’ve been on Keto for a while now. It’s been going great. I haven’t broken it much. So yay, go me. This is coming from a person who’s tried going vegetarian and vegan and couldn’t stick to either – but has successfully managed to be on Keto for a good four months now. A few pointers to get you started:

• What exactly is Keto?

Your body runs on the fuel it essentially gets from carbohydrates. But on a Keto diet, the carbs are replaced by fat and protein. So when the body doesn’t have carbs to burn, it turns to burning fat instead. That’s when your body produces ketone bodies and the process of ketosis starts. You’ll probably have a lot of bathroom problems even when you’ve just started out – and you’ll have the flu and maybe even diarrhea – along with major mood swings from the lack of carbs, but all of that should pass within the first week itself. You’ll also feel low on energy and you won’t be able to workout as rigorously. That’s probably going to go away after the first week or two. Everyone’s going to respond differently, of course. It took my body eight-ish days to adapt.

• What can I eat when I’m on Keto?

Literally pretty much all the chicken and egg you can eat. Broccoli, asparagus, zucchini, mushrooms and spinach are all good for you. Broccoli has low carb content and it’s high in protein, plus it’s a super versatile vegetable. You can eat avocados. Cauliflower. Cheese. Bacon. Fish.

My super yum grilled chicken with cheese that I made the other day.

Switch this with that.

You can go with almond and coconut flour instead of the regular flour. Stevia instead of regular sugar. Use ghee or butter to fry whatever you need to fry. Bulletproof coffee instead of regular coffee. Almond or soy milk instead of regular milk. But remember, no fruits, and no bread and no pizza and no nothing. No orange juice. No smoothies unless it’s a veggie one made out of broccoli and spinach and lettuce. Most importantly, no booze.

Here’s a google-sourced image of what your Keto diet should consist of.

• Can I follow this diet if I’m a vegetarian?

Oh yes. Eat all the tofu you need. But you’ve to be mindful, since soy messes with your thyroid issues. Apart from the obvious cauliflower (which in my opinion, you need to eat in moderation because thyroid issues and cruciferous veggies don’t mix), there are other veggies you can eat. Like zucchini, Swiss chard, mushrooms, asparagus, celery, spinach, bok choy, broccoli rabe, cabbage, broccoli, kale, Brussels sprouts and lettuces (arugula, green and red leaf, endive, romaine, etc.)

Most importantly, weigh your portions.

• How effective is Keto?

The first week that I tried it, I noticed a significant drop in weight. It was probably just my water weight, but after three weeks of clean Keto – I noticed a good chunk of fat gone from the love handle area. So yes, it works. If you’re doing dirty Keto, like only eating the animal protein, you won’t notice the changes immediately because your body needs plant protein too (hello, fiber and vitamins).

• What supplements can I take?

If you’ve been prescribed supplements by your doctor, you can continue those, no problem. I take fish oil and something Indians call Triphala and they’re super useful, at least to me. Omega 3 fatty acids are something your body won’t be producing on its own stock of the essential fatty acids we know as LA (linoleic fatty acid or Omega 3) and ALA (alpha-linolenic fatty acid or Omega 6). But that’s a topic for another day.

In conclusion, do your research and spend a good chunk of time finding out what works for you. Don’t just jump on the bandwagon, like I said, because a lot of people are doing it. It’s not going to help.

Have an egg-cellent Hump Day while I go polish off my broccoli smoothie.

The Sadistic Dad Monologues

The Sadistic Dad Monologues

“You’re crap.

No wait, you’re LOOSE crap.

You’re dumb.

You’re a waste of space.

You’re numb.

You’re flakier than breadcrumbs.

How long do I have to support you?

How long will you make me fend for you?

How long will I mend things for you?

Shut up and get to work.

Talking to you is so hard.

You never do what your mother and I want.

Talking to you is like talking to a corpse.

You’re just getting worse.

I wish you were never born.

I wish I could have killed you when you were young.

I wish I never spent a penny on you.

You’re just an investment gone wrong.

You’re brown trash and you only ever take and you take and you play your songs.

You’re filthy.

You’re vile.

You’re disgusting.

You’re as bitter as bile.

I wish you were dead.

And if you’re dying go kill yourself outside instead.”

This isn’t fiction. I’ve seen Dads treat their daughters this way. It’s bad enough to have dreams thrust upon a girl, and to have to deal with abuse isn’t something anyone has to go through. It’s a sin.

Everyday, I see kids with bruises, something their Dads gave them earlier – because the kid failed at math, or because the dad was drunk. Everyday I see a girl cry and have her dreams crushed because she has to live her parents’ dreams and doing something else would bring shame on the family. Marrying for love? Oh my. More shame.

When will this country change?

I’m thankful that it’s not the scene in every family, and that some of us have supportive parents but I wish these girls could live happy and not have to cry because they were born female. Having said that, I need to say I love you, Dad. Thanks for not being like this.

Just birthing a child doesn’t make you a Dad or a Mum. It just makes you a procreator. What makes you an actual parent is how human you act around your children. When you become a parent, please don’t be this way.

Good day, folks.

Things A 19 Year Old Taught Me

Things A 19 Year Old Taught Me

You know, sometimes you just meet people on the Internet and you take in their personality, and you think to yourself – “Bloody hell, what an amazing soul! Wish I was more like that!”

So I met Sabhyata, a design student, on Instagram, a couple months back. If you know me at all, you’d know that I never really talk about people unless I happen to admire/love/hate them in some way. And Sabhyata, she’s taught me a lot over the past couple of months. And I’m grateful. This post is by no means a promotion of ass-kissery (is that a word?) but a genuine appreciation for a beautiful person and something very different from all the ranting I normally do.

Today, I’m going to be raving.

So, who’s Sabhyata and why should you be following her on Instagram?

• She’s organized, in a different way.

Take this nineteen year old self-taught makeup lover, who posts crisp new content everyday, every single damn day. And that’s no mean feat because she’s got school, her chores, AND her feed to keep her busy and she manages everything so flawlessly it’s like she’s almost superhuman. She’s taught me how to manage my time better.

• She’s down to earth.

When you’re growing at the speed she’s growing, the attention gets to your head. The success gets to your head. Not for Sabhyata. I was watching her Instagram live and one thing she said touched my heart so much. Someone had asked her how it felt like, to have such a good number of followers in less than a year to which she replied – “Doesn’t matter whether I have 13 k or 100 k people following me, it’ll always be you guys watching me live at 2 in the morning, and I’ll still be like this.”

Again, this girl is only nineteen. Most teenagers don’t treat other people with the amount of love she does. And she doesn’t over do it either.

Also, she responds to every question. Doesn’t send a ♥️ emoji when someone slides into her DM with legit compliments and questions, and she’s always going to take time to hold an actual decent conversation with people.

She’s taught me to have my feet planted firmly on the ground.

• Friendship.

I talked about competition the other day. Sabhyata is her own competition, biggest critic and she’s everyone’s friend. One of my favorite one liners – “You’re my friend and I won’t ever respect you. Ahah. Why would I? We’re the same. And even if you get a Nobel prize, I’ll still have you as my friend who I’ll love. Not go on and say ah I respect you.”

Total gem, you guys. Total gem.

• Quality over Quantity.

Let’s talk about how professional she is. She learns as she grows and she posts content that’s super high quality too. I guess this is where blessing your feed originated from.

If you’re into makeup and you want to know why I’ve been fangirling so much go give her a follow @palletesandpaint on Instagram.

Can We Chill With The Competition?

Can We Chill With The Competition?

What’s wrong with people? I mean seriously? Kris Jenner is single handedly causing population explosion, and with a million kids and a billion grandkids to boot, the crazy seems to be overflowing.

It’s not just them, though. It’s the whole planet.

Once upon a happier time, competition meant two little kids battling it out on opposing debate teams. But now? It’s something unhealthy, twisted, heck, it’s evil.

Between making frenzied google searches for things like “how to make someone love you back” and “how to tell if someone’s no longer into you” and “latest trends 2018”, I chanced upon this: nipple injections. Fillers, or whatever the crap. And I’m not kidding people, this is an actual Allure magazine article.

…competing against Kendall Jenner’s nipples. Now I’ve seen everything. Really. 2018 is the year of the bat-shit crazy and it’s here to stay. Sigh. I miss the times when we were all actually happy. Millennials aren’t happy, people. We always want something else. We crave, we crave, we compete unnecessarily and we give ourselves enough aneurysms to keep the rest of the doctors happy.

Between DMs that go something like this

to women treating their boyfriends like pieces of vintage Louis Vuitton luggage, I’m so done. All I want right now, is for me to be able to dump everything and just get away to a cosy little place with no people and no cell phone reception.

Can we please do that? Thanks.

Nipple fillers. God!

Does Money Solve Things?

Does Money Solve Things?

Isn’t it crazy? The number of times we use “I” in a day? Subconsciously, we’re only constantly thinking of ourselves. Our lives, jobs, waistline, first-world issues like a broken fingernail.

Ever stopped to wonder what was going on with the rest of the world? Heck, ever wondered what was going on with the rest of your neighborhood? I’ve noticed a pattern. People are SO quick to be empathetic when a celebrity falls sick. Or when a celebrity gets slapped behind bars. I’m talking about Salman Khan, of course. He’s killed people and he’s poached blackbucks and he’s managed to get acquitted and now he’s managed to get bail.

Which makes me wonder – is money all that powerful?

At this rate, people would end up buying college degrees and have no knowledge about a thing at all. People would pay off income tax officers and exemptions from paying how much tax they should actually be paying. It’s scary that things like unfair justice can be bought these days. Oh wait, they’re already doing that. I mean, do people not have integrity anymore?

Maybe that’s why there’s a steep decline in actual, solid relationships and a steady incline in the sugar daddy situation. He pays for your crap and makes you Paris Hilton and you get to be the Kim Kardashian to his very much older Ray J. I don’t even know what’s up with me this morning. Maybe this is why I should stop reading the newspaper. It’s making kids believe that money can solve every which problem and that’s why they’re resorting to stupid headless ideas just to make money.

I saw this girl ask if she can sell her body to her ex boyfriend for allowance since her parents don’t give her money. Is this even normal? Or is this prostitution? Can anyone explain? Do people not realize that the more you yearn for, the worse it gets? Other people get jealous, and it leads to more problems than one can ever handle. I don’t think money really solves all problems. It just makes you nastier. But that’s just my opinion. It’s okay to be financially comfortable on your own terms. NOT okay to use it to exploit others.

I’m done with this country. Time to leave. I’ll be back with a nice post tomorrow, I swear. It won’t be so morbid. Have a good day, you guys.

Confessions of a Loner, Again

Confessions of a Loner, Again

I’m a loner. I’ve always been. At some point, it started to feel like routine. I mean, even Voldemort has his Death Eaters. So he wasn’t really completely alone; but I don’t even have anyone. Emotionally. I mean, it’s not like I don’t wish for people to come talk to me: it’s just that I’ve gotten used to the whole idea of being on my own so much that I’m okay with being alone and lonely. And I don’t even tell my partner about it.

Not that I haven’t tried – because I have. But you know how it gets, yeah? You don’t want to annoy the other person and you end up bottling things. So what I do instead is come on here and blog and let it out. Therapy is pricey – I can buy some new eyelashes with that money – but blogging is free and I get to get things off my chest, so yes, I like to rant on here.

I pretend that I’m happy. Actually, I’m not. I don’t feel anything anymore. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way: completely empty, neutral, almost lifeless. Going through my daily schedule like a robot in rhythm. But I’ve learned a lot over the past couple of years. No one is going to be there for you. Not even the person you get married to. It’s you that’s always got your back so each time you feel completely alone, you’ve gotta remember that you have your arms to give yourself a hug. I know that’s probably the most morbid thing your heard all day, but I actually do this on a daily basis.

When I was a little girl, I had dreams too.

I wanted to have a fairytale wedding and all the cliches that came with it. A perfect husband who loved me, treated me like a freaking princess and got me whatever I wanted – all I had to do was drop subtle hints. But then life happened and I realized that none of that matters. No one is going to listen to your subtle hints. You’ve to get yourself what you want. It’s almost wrong to depend on someone else. Even once in a while. And forget about being treated like a princess. I’m happy with being treated like a human being. That’s more than just enough. Isn’t it funny how dreams die before you even realize they’re dead?

I’ve gotten really good at giving advice. I hate seeing other people unhappy because I can see myself reflected in them and that breaks my heart.

There were times when I used to be happy that I had people to text me and check on me: but now? I’m so comfort being on my own it scares my mum sometimes. I’m serious, if I had a choice and if cults weren’t creepy, I’d have joined some ashram, picked celibacy and turned into a yogi. I’d even give up lipstick. But I’d be at peace. No cellphone. Maybe I could just go away and try to drown. I’d feel nothing still. Just calm.

Why do I feel this way?

But I’m okay. This is just fiction and I’m okay.

Driving Lessons

Driving Lessons

Hello. Greetings from my hormonal, pimply self! How’s everyone doing today? I just fell down the stairs, shattered my favorite mug and nearly ended up losing a knee but I’m okay. So I’m stuck at home, with bum knee throbbing away to glory, feeling sad about my favorite mug and wondering what I’m supposed to be doing all day. Besides prepping for two new competitive exams, of course. Which, to be honest, we all know, I’m not going to crack anyway. So…

I thought it would be funny to go ahead and share a series of incidents that led to what we have today – a crappy driver named Sooch.

Let me just go ahead and say, it’s NOT my fault that I’m so bad at driving, okay? I’m sure my instructor is about seventy percent responsible. Twenty goes to the car I learned how to drive in, and the remaining ten? Completely ME. So it was a Maruti Suzuki Alto. Hold on, I’ve got to rephrase – it used to be an Alto, once upon a time. It was so beat up, it was barely recognizable. It belonged to a shady driving school (we have driving schools in India, which are so shady they’ll make you cringe and run for the hills) named Madan Mohan Driving School. How did I get hold of this person? Erm heh heh, contacts. My family’s driver. He was friends with the (we shall call him the MM Guy) person that owned this driving school and that’s how I got enrolled.

The first time I got into the driver’s seat at age 15, was the first time I found out that the poor Alto was in such bad shape, I had to physically lift the door to get it shut. Lift, pull shut. That was the mechanism. It took me three days to get used to that. MM Guy was a patient man who, equipped with his own set of ABC (accelerator, brake, clutch), was pretty sure I was going to get the hang of driving on the fourth day itself. NOT SO MUCH. I ran into a tree. I almost had the car topple over. I nearly broke the windshield. And that made me go whoa I’m a badass teenager. You should have seen MM Guy trying to control the car with his own ABC but uh uh, I was ruling.

Day five was brilliant. He tried to teach me how to get the car in reverse and I literally spun the whole thing around. Not too dramatically but how I wish I could have. I’ve never seen anyone with a sweatier, redder face than MM Guy’s on that fateful day. He would have put all the cherry tomatoes in my salad to shame. If you drive an automatic, you’re lucky because you won’t have to bother with the gear shifts. Me? Not so lucky. I now drive a Chevrolet Beat, which happens to be greener than a leprechaun’s hat, and is pretty nice to me BUT I still have issues.

So this whole driving fiasco went on for a month. I screamed, cried, scared quite a lot of people, bust a lot of tires, played a lot of Avril, ate a lot of fries, and got fat and still didn’t learn the fine art of fine driving.

I think MM Guy would have thrown me out had it not been for his extreme amount of patience. When did I finally get my license, you ask? Age 16, a couple months later. And what happened to my driving skills!? Still freaking questionable.

Was your driving lesson episode a fiasco too? Let me know!

50 Thoughts: SAD Edition

50 Thoughts: SAD Edition

Seasonal Affective Disorder (also called SAD, The Blues, Sadness) is an actual thing, and the scariest part is that it’s idiopathic. You never know how it happens. So I’m sitting on the edge of the treadmill, and typing this on my phone, and I don’t know why I’m sad, SAD, but I am. And here go my morbid thoughts…

1. Loneliness – when you’re in a relationship, specially – is scarier than Veronica on Netflix.

2. I don’t wanna workout anymore.

3. Why do women, some women, think it’s cool to kick a sister down?

4. If I were a movie, I’d be a colossal flop.

5. Why do I get hyperhydrosis when I’m least expecting it?

6. Is everyone happy, or are they just faking it?

7. HOLY SHIT WHEN DID I GET SO OLD?

8. And I don’t even have all my wisdom teeth yet. Is that why I’m so dumb?

9. Vegetarianism is so hard.

10. The things you do for love are very intense and very stupid.

11. Why didn’t I die instead of Stephen Hawking?

12. Ever had that feeling you were gonna explode because you had so much to say, but had to hold it in, because you didn’t want to trouble anyone?

13. I wallow in self-pity almost the whole of the weekend.

14. I have no life. That’s the 💯 truth.

15. Every time my ex said “You’re the best I ever had”, I want to down a shot of tequila. Too bad I don’t drink.

16. There’s a special place in Hell for people that spell “you” as “uh”.

17. Stiletto heels must have come from Satan’s mouth.

18. Am I going insane?

19. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. Sometimes I wish I could just sit here till I dissipate.

20. Music isn’t helping me today.

21. I wish I were carefree.

22. I wish I could forgive myself. The guilt is weighing down on me and I can’t breathe sometimes.

23. I wish I were never born, you know?

24. I don’t want a big wedding. I just want someone to hold me and say they were glad to have me in their life.

25. I’m at that point in my life where I don’t know what I want anymore. That’s why I have been absent. Not that anybody noticed.

26. Why do mosquitoes exist?

27. Does eating rice make anyone else sleepy?

28. Why can’t coffee be lunch?

29. I wish chocolate and sugar had no calories.

30. Breathing into a paper bag helps.

31. The smell of new books is better than anything else.

32. You don’t need blood to be family.

33. 2018 is so morbid.

34. Sometimes when I wake up, I get this feeling that I’m gonna die in a few hours. Why do I feel this way?

35. My therapist says he won’t give me more pills because I gotta be stronger without them.

36. I feel ancient. Again.

37. Why does my body look so weird? Like a potato with four sticks attached. And a gooseberry on top.

38. Are you happy today?

39. I miss being a little girl.

40. Scratch that. Fuck being a little girl, I wanna die now.

41. I hate broken promises.

42. I actually fake being strong. I’m weak as ish.

43. I need carbs.

44. The last thing I ate was a waffle. And it was awful!

45. I miss Bangalore so much it’s like a blow to the head every two seconds. And a knife to my belly.

46. Is blogging dead?

47. I like Wicktoria. She’s going places. For SURE.

48. Taylor Swift is cute with that hair.

49. Anyone else excited for Slenderman?

50. I need to sleep. Sigh.

Happy Hump Day. Wear pink. Go!