The Color of Blood.

The Color of Blood.

It has to be, they say

It’s that time of the month,

Throwing harsh words and curse words

Her way, all day, everyday

She says nothing, just lets tears fall

And a storm rages on in her head

She thought he’d understand at least

He doesn’t, and she wishes she were dead

Unsolicited advice comes her way:

“Have children, before it’s too late.”

“Have children, doesn’t matter if you’re not into it.”

“If you don’t want them, God curse your fate.”

She feels like a package

That everyone’s dying to unwrap

She feels suffocated

Every harsh word is like a slap

They don’t let her bleed in peace

The color of blood it repels them, you see

She’s just a walking uterus

Meant to carry kids, isn’t that how it was supposed to be?

She’s not a woman if she doesn’t want kids

She’s not normal if she wants to be

She’s shallow if she wants to be happy

She sits in the corner, with the color of blood for company

And they shake their heads and click tongues

She’s failed the generation once more

He could have done better, they think

And for once, she couldn’t agree more.

Unchained Emotions

Unchained Emotions

Don’t post this, don’t say that

Pretend you’re something you’re not

Act cold, act happy when you’re sad

Act excited even when you rot

Don’t be yourself, they said

Be someone else completely

Someone not so messed in the head

I say ok, and I nod my head weakly

Haven’t been happy in months now

But I can’t talk about it

It has to be hidden away somehow

So no one knows about it

Made to feel like a dirty secret

Almost like it were wrong to be me

Like I’m supposed to have no identity

And I’m supposed to be unseen

Alone and secluded for weeks

Abandoned, and forgotten almost

No one asks if you ate or if you’ve healed

I’m struggling to barely stay afloat

This isn’t a cakewalk

Not like I thought it would be

There’s no champion, and no rock

No one seems to let my headspace be

Either you’ve to post grad

Or make progeny

There’s just this or that, really

With no options in between

Sometimes I wonder would things

Have been different if I’d switched rooms

I lie awake and the doorbell rings

Bringing in yet another day of doom.

More Reflections Via A Block Of Text.

More Reflections Via A Block Of Text.

It’s been weeks since I’ve actually sat down to write something. Writer’s block is painfully real, you guys.

This would actually be the last month that I get to stay here, at home, before I relocate for good. Home? Wait, what? What even is that? Where even is home? I remember being in med school and feeling more alive than I’d ever felt back when I was living with family. I came from privilege – but with privilege, specially in families like mine, comes a total absence of affection and acceptance. To be elitists was all they strived to be. 

I grew up feeling unwanted and unloved. Feeling. I cannot emphasize on that enough.

My family doesn’t do hugs or cuddles or the occasional pats on the back. None of that. You get harsh critique, judgmental behavior and you get body-shamed right from the start. I remember aunts saying I had a flat head and a monkey face with frog eyes and that I wouldn’t find someone to love. This frog-eye bit is getting too old but they won’t stop. A certain cousin was instrumental in making sure I chose the science stream after the tenth boards. Nobody asked what I wanted – they made every choice for me. Given a chance, I would have taken up humanities and gone on to pursue English lit in college. I’d have actually been someone. Done some good. I’m not complaining, just talking about things I honestly regret. Yes, there’s nothing I can do about it, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I don’t have an outlet, really. My blog is public and I’ve to post safe because I can’t hurt people’s sentiments. Right?

I don’t know when clinical depression seeped into my pores but I remember being fourteen and waking up one morning actually feeling like a loser. So I took a look in the mirror and shut down. I withdrew. Emotionally. So bad, that I never actually let people in again. The walls went up. Sure, I made friends online but I’ve since avoided people in real life. This is also why I haven’t stayed in touch with quite a few people from my family and even a lot of my friends. Also one of the reasons why most of my friends are going to be absent from the civil wedding next month. People feel happy when there’s a wedding in the family. Not my family. Everyone is on edge and testy and snappy and they cannot wait to see me leave, like I’m this cumbersome abscess that needs draining.

This scares me, you know? Marriage. Kids. New beginnings. I’ve grown up around so much negativity I’ve ended up having far too much absorbed by my system. What if I make a terrible Mum? What if they hate me? What if, what if and what if. Too many ifs and too many buts and too much stress. Dude, I’m losing hair on my head. You can see my scalp now. Shiny and gross.

I have to stop worrying. People who grow up in unhappy environments sometimes try and spread happiness to their new families, because they don’t want history repeating, right? Please, God, just please.

Five Habits That Changed My Life

Five Habits That Changed My Life

As you get older, you face a bunch of issues, and I’m definitely no different. First came the busted kneecap. Then came the sudden appearance of astigmatism. The lactose intolerance decided it had a vendetta against me. My neck, my back, oh everything cracked. And chiropractors are expensive, and taking a bunch of pills isn’t ideal. That’s when I decided to actually do something about whatever was happening.

There isn’t much that I’ve been doing, really. Just five things, and I did ask people over on my Instagram (via a poll) if they’d be interested in reading about it, and a lot of people happened to say yes. So here goes, a comprehensive list of five things that I’ve been implementing into my daily routine, which actually have gone on to make my life a whole lot easier:

• Restricting social media activity.

Also known as minding your own business, this is an EXCELLENT way to keep your mental health great. I don’t comment on people’s posts even if they’re triggering me. I simply unfollow, or maybe mute things, and I scroll past.

I don’t post about my personal life on the internet and I don’t compare what I’ve got with what someone else’s got. When there’s no room for jealousy, because you’re nipping it in the bud, it actually helps you thrive.

And boy, am I thriving. * knock on wood *

• Logging in my meals.

I use this app called HealthifyMe, and it gives me a daily calorie budget. Before I reach out to grab that bag of blue Lay’s, a little voice in my head goes: those are just empty hundred and sixty six calories, you don’t need them. And I stop immediately because staying within my calorie budget is a fitness thing I’m very much into, and I refuse to not be able to stick to my goals.

• Body language.

I used to slouch, and I’d have put Quasimodo to shame. No offense to Quasimodo because he was born with it, and I kinda gave myself a slouch situation, but okay.

I don’t do that anymore.

Sometimes I’ll walk around the vicinity or even find a wall to stand against and I ensure that my back is ramrod straight. Gone are those days of back pain and my weird posture that made me look zero confident and unimportant. I still don’t look important (YET) but I’m going to get there. Soon. Body language is very important when you’re trying to hold someone’s attention and to make an impact. Unless you’d rather blend into the wall (“Issa me”), this projects confidence and makes you look like you’re someone who’s worth it.

And don’t we all want to be worth it?

• Staying away from the phone.

I barely use my phone anymore. I don’t text much. I don’t scroll through my explore page. I read an actual book, and no, I don’t feel the need to post about it, and I actually enjoy my time away from the screen.

And there’s this weird peace that comes from being able to keep your phone away. Voluntarily. Try that sometime.

• Clean eating and skincare.

I’ve said goodbye to strict keto.

Most of my food is plant based, and there’s no dairy in my diet. This has kind of led to a reduction in the frequency of my acne breakouts. I don’t juice anymore. If I need to eat a fruit, I actually go eat a whole fruit. Bananas are amazing for you. I did a whole post too. So are oranges in the winter. Full of good stuff.

Also, Vitamin C is something I’ve been using religiously in my skincare now. It protects your skin from pollution and such, and following it up with SPF after has made so much difference to my skin in a short span of time – I’m hooked.

Is there a lifestyle change you’ve made that actually is working wonders for you?

Three Things You Cannot Be Thanks to the Modern Economy

Three Things You Cannot Be Thanks to the Modern Economy

The economy is changing. Fast. There’s a huge growth in competition and consumerism and it’s hard to keep up at times. As a millennial, struggling with whatever demon you’re currently fighting internally, sometimes you miss your calling. And this becomes a long-standing issue. With social-media influencing becoming a growing career, here are three things you can absolutely not afford to be today.

1. Lazy: You have to hustle. Unless you were someone that would soon inherit millions, you cannot afford to be lazy. Irrespective of your gender, you need to have something that you’re passionate about. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of jealously and you often find yourself wishing what a certain twenty-something-year-old rich influencer had. But wishing alone isn’t going to give you what you’re looking for. And if you do want to be lazy, you’ve to make smart choices. Weigh the pros and the cons before you decide on taking the plunge you’ve been debating about.

This is also why you should wait it out till the right person comes along, before deciding to go ahead and saying, “I do.” Marriage is particularly difficult these days.

Which brings me to point two.

2. A Stay-at-home wife/husband: Back in the day, let’s say even a good decade ago, being a stay-at-home wife (or a husband) wasn’t really a bad thing. You could chill at home and (specially in India) with your domestic help doing most of the work, you would have a lot of time to care for your kids, you could be very hands-on, and have a healthy marriage too.

You probably can’t do that anymore. Almost everyone has a job that overworks and underpays at the same time. Now unless you were married to someone with a very, very high-paying job or maybe a very good business, you really cannot be too dependent on your partner. Plus, if you’re a woman, chances are that some other woman is going to actually shame you for not having your own finances sorted.

And I’ve seen this happening in person. And it gets worse each time.

3. Generous with money: This one is a BIG no-no.

Don’t stay friends – actually it’s a bad idea to even give too many people your phone number – with a bunch of people. A lot of people won’t hesitate to take a screenshot of something you’ve said, and forward it to someone else and start a fight. And fights lead to negativity and stress and eventually, depression. And nobody understands what you’re possibly going through even in 2019.

If you’re someone that gives loans despite being in trouble yourself, you need to stop immediately. Money creates a lot of rift between good friends too. Also, don’t be a spendthrift because you don’t want to be broke at the end of the month.

On that note, hope you’ve had a wonderful and pollution-free Diwali if you’re someone that celebrates. ✌🏼

Happy Blogtober!

Happy Blogtober!

September was awful: I didn’t even post consistently. The whole town was flooded for the most part and I hate it when it’s so gloomy. I mean, rains are nice and all – but it’s supposed to be fall weather and NOT monsoon. Maybe the world is actually about to die sooner than expected. Scares me to death, really.

Okay, all depressing thoughts aside, I’m actually looking forward to October. A few key events are coming up and I’m so excited I could pop a vein.

• BIRTHDAYS:

The love of my life celebrates his birthday tomorrow. Although I’m not around to actually celebrate with him in person, we’ve only got three months to go till we’re actually living together. I cannot wait!

My very good friend and adopted “grandchild” turns twenty one on October 16th. And Egg, if you’re reading this, although this makes you eligible to get drunk, I hope you don’t drink too many margaritas, *snicker* only kidding.

And finally, my fellow GRANDMA EM, also has her birthday in October. Precisely on October 25th. How exciting! Girl, go easy on the sugar. I worry about those crowns on your teeth. Bye.

PUJO:

Every Bengali living in West Bengal or other parts of the planet actually count down the days till Pujo happens. This year it did look like Pujo would be a flop show – thanks to the rain – for a little bit, but we’re good now.

Kids buy new outfits and everyone overeats. Time to say bye bye to my Keto diet for a few days.

HALLOWEEN:

We don’t really celebrate Halloween in India but it’s catching up quickly. If you’re into makeup, you’ll know that this is the time of the year that people go ham with FX makeup and other Halloween inspired looks. I cannot wait.

Also, happy Blogtober! I’m going to try and go back to posting everyday. The three month window is making me nuts. Pray for me.