Sometimes I turn into this extremely intelligent sounding person, and that I’ve got life figured out, and we all know that it’s far from the truth. The truth is that I actually have attention deficit hyperactive disorder, you know, ADHD, and awfully bad social anxiety.
It had gotten so bad at one point, I couldn’t make eye contact with people that I actually knew. I ended up creating a bubble around myself and I wouldn’t let anyone penetrate that. I’d come home, shut myself up in my room and never get any sun. Human interaction was basically zero. And I was comfortable that way. As luck would have it, I had to go to the bank one day to hand in a form for a new card and I realized that I was having a black out, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt all alone and I’d never been more scared in my life. I’ve no idea how I managed to get my work done and come home while being painfully aware of everyone staring at me, and the crippling anxiety I felt.
I practically ran to my therapist the next day.
He suggested I take up meditation seriously, and I did. It was hard, at first. I needed tech support. Not kidding. I used this app called Headspace for the first few months. It wasn’t easy. The instant I would close my eyes, I’d automatically start to think weird crap. Every little failure and disappointment I’d gone through would play on loop, like an extremely vivid slideshow, and I couldn’t even meditate for ten minutes. Ah, those days. Eventually, the waking up early and the mediating became a routine. I got so good at it, I didn’t need guided meditation anymore. Now I can actually clear my head completely and go into total zen mode. Easy peasy.
I still struggle with my anxiety and ADHD but it’s a lot better now. I sleep better. I’m healthier and a lot happier. It’s definitely been an excellent lifestyle change. I’ve been loving my mornings lately. Plus, the weather is gorgeous. It feels amazing to get my yoga mat, sit cross legged with my back ramrod-straight and just almost hibernate, in total peace.
Do you mediate? Has it helped?