“Sad”

“Sad”

“Hey.”

“Hi baby! Was just about to text you, what’s up?”

“I need to borrow fifteen grand. Stat. Thanks.”

“Okay, sending you the money right aw— hello? Ahahah. Oh you’ve hung up. That’s nice.”

“So A disappeared this morning, again, this time he didn’t really borrow as much. Only fifteen grand.”

“Do you see my eye roll right now, Sam? Do you? I’m your best friend and I can’t see you dating this guy and being his sugar mama anymore. Does he ever return the money he borrows?”

“That’s okay, really. This cafe is nice. How’s your cheesecake?”

“Nice try. I don’t wanna get involved anymore. If you’re happy with him, then don’t complain, you know?”

“You’re the only person I actually talk to. A never really has time to talk to me. He’s working a busy job and he’s too tired and I understand. But sometimes I get lonely, kinda.”

“Not to mention he never is too busy to ask you for favors. Not to mention he took Rachel out the other night for her birthday, but didn’t have money to take you out on yours. That’s okay, right? No cards. No flowers. No calls. That’s okay, yes?”

“Hey, birthdays are overrated anyway. Plus, they’ve been friends for over a decade now! I can’t be the jealous doubting type.”

“I can’t with you. Okay, I’ve to go now, catch up with you next week?”

“Sure.”

“A, I’ve been calling since eight, it’s dinner time. Are you coming home or – are you at the pub again?”

“Yeah, babe, it’s so noisy in here, I’ll come home late. Don’t wait up for me.”

“Cool.”

Diary:

So, A’s been unavailable emotionally for months now. I try to break up, he doesn’t let me leave. Sometimes I want to tell him that I want to be needed, and that I would love to have the old romance back, but I feel like he won’t get me anyway.

It sucks. When you’re doing a live-in relationship with someone, specially in this part of the country. What if he actually lives up to what he threatens to do, and then ends up telling my parents? What if they make me quit my job and flush my dreams down the damn loo and go back home? I struggled a lot to get where I am, and to work as the creative head of this brand I’ve adored since I was little. I can’t throw it all away for a man.

But what do I do? Keep up this facade? My Instagram is fire and my boyfriend looks cute in all those photos. People think we’re couple goals. This image I’ve created is something I can’t let go of. Isn’t it sad, what we put up with? Isn’t it sad, how we don’t want anyone to know? Isn’t it sad, that I’m a sugar mama, when all I wanted was to be loved and adored?