The other day I was listening to this guy talk about how we always look for happiness and never end up finding it, and how we should become happiness instead.
It made a ton of sense to me, and made me wonder why despite being well into my mid twenties, I still manage to lose myself in translation several thousand times a week. Scratch that, several times a day. Ever wonder why relationships go through several fractures over the course of time? And why fights happen? That’s because we play the blame game way too much, and we expect way too much.
I had this wonderful boyfriend once. It was a beautiful thing, our relationship, but it burned bright and ended fast, within a few months. Back then, I gave him mad hell for pulling away from me after we were done cuddling, shutting me down before I was done talking, and never taking my calls or replying to my texts. I had one expectation: to be in the know. I wanted to be regularly updated about what he was up to. Didn’t really expect a lot of textual conversation, or even phone conversations, but I did want to stay informed. Despite knowing that he didn’t really do technology that much. Hell, he didn’t even use Facebook much. At some point, I became clingy and texted his friends when he would give me the silent treatment for days. I managed to annoy his friends too. All the while blaming him for subjecting me to such a bad, toxic relationship. The day I said goodbye, he had me delete all our photos together. He never came to see me off at the door. I left hoping he would still tell me he needed me and loved me, but no, and that was it.
I’d look through the photos that I still had secretly saved and cry to myself. Talk about how much he broke me and that I would kill myself, while a little voice in the back of my head kept yelling, “STOP. This is not his fault!” Stop one day I did. And now that I look back on it, and all the things he said, I realised he’d left me with great advice that would help me eventually:
- People need their space. And they’re not always in the mood to indulge your whims. You need to learn to be considerate.
- Possessiveness never gets you anywhere. At this point when I’d texted his friend, he went all sarcastic and said, “Why don’t you text my family instead, ask them where I am at, and if I’m okay? You’d get better info.” This being a really rude thing to say, because girlfriends in India don’t really call up their boyfriends’ families or text them on Facebook.
- Stop discussing your relationship with people. If you value him, keep him to yourself. Keep the memories to yourself. Some things aren’t meant to be discussed about.
- Love fades: it does and it’s entirely your fault. Think about what changed. And how much you’ve changed. Go back and replay those memories in your head, and think of why he no longer loves you. Once you realise it’s completely you and not him, you’d have a much better understanding of yourself.
See, there’s stuff to learn from everybody; and if you want a strong relationship, don’t change from the person you used to be. Don’t pull the Crazy Bat Lady act on your guy, and you’ll be fine. Learn from your mistakes and become a better You.
And dear Ex, thanks for telling me stuff I never knew would come in handy.